Afloat

How do I know if I’m human,
If this is what living feels like?
Everything is in my head.
I don’t know what I know anymore. Continue reading

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Under Watch

It’s been happening for a while now, Jose thought as he felt the same prickling sensation for the umpteenth time.

Someone was watching him.

He turned around despite knowing that this time it’ll be the same, again.

Once again there was no one other than him on the empty sidewalk, minus the stray cat.

Scratching his neck, Jose sighed in annoyance.

“This is nuts!”, he muttered as he covered his head with the hoodie.

For the past two weeks, Jose has been plagued with a single thought that has overshadowed every other worry of his life.

The fact that someone was indeed, watching him. Constantly. 24×7. Continue reading

What Matters

Dearest Delilah,

What sucks is that no matter how many other bigger, much more pressing matters I know I may have, you’re gonna be the only one who actually matters. I don’t care if it’s all the sick movies and songs that over signify how important love is, how important someone can be. But I feel how I feel, alright ? And I can’t do anything to change it.

 

I know what you’re thinking. I know exactly the face you’re making right now. “You have so many more real problems right now, Rick. You probably can’t even feed yourself for a week, you might be homeless if you don’t get a job soon. You’re not gonna be whining about some girl who didn’t like you back when you’re starving to death for God’s sake. It’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. You’ll move on. The world isn’t gonna stop for some girl. Get over it.”

 

But it has. All I want you to get that it has stopped for me, because you don’t yet get how someone can be my whole world. And yeah I know it’s all gonna get better one day and how I’m not even gonna think about you ever again, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to think about you now. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel terribly shitty and this isn’t just some teenage bullshit drama that I have to get over. I’m having to live through this and right now, to me this is my whole world. And it is falling apart. I kid you not.

 

And I know people have been through worse. I know there are people dying right now, with cancer or getting raped or begging for their lives. I know I myself have worse to be worried about, but just like how you can’t control your feelings, I can’t control mine. I can’t control the fact that I’m more worried about not being able to see you tomorrow more than the fact that I might not have a roof over my head tonight. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and these are just feelings and they’ll go away and its making me so guilty that I should be thinking about my family and my own life over you but I can’t.

 

What sucks is that I fucking can’t.

 

And nobody will ever get that. And all people can say to me sounds like the same broken record over and over again. And just demeaning my feelings isn’t gonna help me or you for that matter. I’m allowed to feel the way I feel, and just because someone else or I, myself have even bigger problems to worry about, that doesn’t mean it’s not justified to feel the way I do.

 

All everyone is going to say is how I’ll forget about you and move on and it’ll all be okay.

 

And I know it will. Some day.

 

But right now, it isn’t okay. I’m not okay.

 

I just want you to appreciate that I’m not. And let me not be okay for once.

 

Yours forever,

Not forever, maybe just now, just for this moment ; but so completely yours in this moment that I cannot fathom how it’s even possible,

 

Rick.

Broke, but Better.

What’s a heart when you don’t feel a stab at it? What are the eyes if you don’t cry out badly? What’s the use of smiling if you can’t fake a few of them? And what is actually the world if there aren’t people who change faces? What’s a human being if no mistakes are made? What is the use of having a big heart, if you can’t forgive?

All these flaws, and qualities that you have in between, within; are there for a reason.

People stab at you, at your heart a bit, to teach you lessons. You cry your heart out, just to let all that bad stuff out. You let out a fake smile, so it’s easier at the end to smile a real one. People change faces at times, to get you used to the different “phases”. Learn from them because you have to, make use of them. People make mistakes, but those are part of our lives too, get over them. If you’re given a heart, learn to forgive because what’s more to lose? Time is less. Do whatever you feel like, but learn from each and every phase you face. When the Creator himself forgives your sins, who are you not to? Just let go.

Let go, Learn, Live.
Might be BROKE, BUT only to become BETTER.

One Last Walk

It was winter when our paths first met. The fog aligned and settled itself around you; you in your beige sari, with a red shawl wrapped around your arms, blowing on the cup of tea in your hands. Even in 8 degrees Celsius you were looking so warm, so filled. Your eyes kept wandering to the little puppy playing around, and each time you put the strands of your hair, back in your bun, your cup would tremble in your left hand. I could see specks of paint on your fingers and a poster tube on your back. You were like the first dew drop falling on freshly cut grass, lone and grand.

It was raining when we first kissed. The drops were resting on your eye lashes, as they closed. I could taste the rain on your lips and it felt like ice cream in cold winter mornings. Nothing necessary, but completely exhilarating. I remember, how your bangles broke that day, and how it got stuck on my shirt, while you tried to lean away from me. We walked for a good four hours that day, the same path over and over again.

Sometimes I like to believe, that we all have different paths to take, each laid out in front of us in the shape of decisions we make. These paths lead us to many different places, and these paths separate us from many different experiences. We may be the ones choosing the path, but the destination is something nobody ever figures out. Sometimes these paths meet, collide and separate, and sometimes the collision results in an explosion, leaving all else in ruins.

Four years after, I’m back here, in ruins left behind. Only this time the sound of your nupur was missing. It felt deafening. I took my first step, on this path where I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve walked. But for the first time ever, you weren’t here.

It was summer when you died. I have failed to forget how you looked that day. We were driving to come to our path. To walk for hours again like we used to before. Your hair was open, and blowing in the wind. The smoke from your cigarette getting into your kohl lined eyes. Your smile had the softest shade of pink that day. The pink that got stained with my blood when the car crashed.

They say you’ll get over it. They say you’ll move on, to a different path, to a stronger path. But my path had stopped with you.

Sometimes, certain people pierce into your soul and never leave. They create this small little hole inside you and they reside there forever. Each time you’re with them, you’re gathering memories and storing them in the gentlest way you can, filling this hole. But once their presence leaves, this gaping hole inside, devours you from within. Destroying each fiber one by one. Stabbing you with each little moment, you had stored inside. But that is precisely why you must learn to let go.

That is exactly why; I’m here alone trying to walk off the edge. How can I possibly go on, when my path had ended before me.

One last walk wouldn’t hurt anyone right?