Drowning

I stood there, motionless, on the edge of the bridge. The gentle wind kept blowing in my hair but I didn’t put my hands up to fix it. A thought rushed to my head shouldn’t I be leaving a note or something? But then again who cared anyway? No one liked my presence anyway, how in God’s name would anything change in my absence? I’m a parasite to everyone’s world. Coming to think of it, I was making them a favour actually. I wouldn’t be a disgrace to my mom anymore. She wouldn’t have to constantly keep reminding me of how useless I am or how I am not like, what’s that phrase parents use? Oh yeah, like “most children.” This is the best thing I can do for everyone around me. My friends, people who I know since I was kindergarten. They wouldn’t have to bear the problem that went by the name “Scott Stanley” anymore. They wouldn’t probably notice the first few days and I don’t blame them. They didn’t seem to notice much when I got sick. My best friend is definitely gonna find a new and better best friend as soon as she permanently gets rid off the deadest weight of her life. I don’t blame her either. Its pretty dead between us for the past one year. It’s just, I don’t know what happened. I didn’t bother to ask her either. I guess we grew up or something. Everything changed so fast and I couldn’t keep up. I’m already pretty dead to everyone’s life. Why would it matter if it had really happened? My biology teacher, Mr. Salman once told us, “before eating something unhealthy, we often say ‘who cares let’s just eat’ ” and he told us to delete the “who cares” part because someone always cares. Maybe that doesn’t apply to everyone. When it ends, people will ask, “Why? He had everything. Genius at school, good at football, had friends, but why’d he let go of all that?” Love. It’s all love. The strongest human emotion. Everything becomes nothing when you have no one in the world understands you. No one who really cares about you. Genius, football, friends become meaningless without compassion. That was the last thought I had on that bridge. They say when you’re drowning, you don’t open your mouth, it’s an involuntary action. Even though you feel like your head is about to explode, the instinct to not let water in is so strong that it provides a little time until you actually drown. That was the same case for me. I saw a bright white  light at surface, glaring at me, as if, it was welcoming me.

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“Cared” for you

There was a time when we were happy

But now it’s just a memory

I don’t know what went wrong

Were you pretending all along?

I remember when you said forever.

I guess by “forever” you meant never.

 

You were the only therapy I needed

All I wanted was your presence

Now our little friendship is dead

And for you, I had to penance,

It felt exactly like a dream

That changed to a nightmare with a grin.

 

Signs of friendship worn on your wrist

Why did the plot have such a terrible twist?

I never wanted to let you go

But I couldn’t take it anymore.

Couldn’t bear seeing you leave

When I needed you to be there for me

Couldn’t take this ache

From your heart break.

For you, I lost my trust

Now I’m in a place of rubble and rust

I lost myself, trying to find you

But you don’t care, do you?

You don’t know how much you made me cry.

No pillow was left dry.

Remember when I was there for you?

When you shed tears, I cried too.

Once you were my brightest star

Now you are my biggest scar

You never knew, you knew never knew

The tears I shed for you

You never knew

How much I cared about you.

You Never Knew

There was a time when we were happy
But now it’s just a memory
I don’t know what went wrong
Were you pretending all along?
I remember when you said forever
I guess your “forever” meant never.
You were the only friend I needed
Now our little friendship is dead
All I wanted to was to be in your presence
Now it doesn’t even matter does it?
It felt exactly like a dream
That changed to a nightmare with an evil grin.
The pain even showed on my wrists
Why’d the plot have such a terrible twist?
I never wanted to let you go
But I can’t take it anymore
Couldn’t bear seeing you leave
When I need you to be there for me.
Lost myself trying to find you
But you don’t care, do you?
Remember when I was there for you?
When you shed tears, I cried too!
In my little universe, you were the brightest star.
Now, you’re my deepest scar.
You never knew, how much I cared for you.
You never knew, the tears I shed for you.