Shadow

If there was a way to explain,

Words to describe,

Gestures to illustrate

This gnawing hollowness within me

I would

 

There is some entity

Nesting within my Cimmerian depths.

Taking upon a grotesque appearance;

A manifestation of nightmares.

 

Insomnia eats away at the nights

Sleep deprivation, the days.

Paranoia stalks from the shadows

 

Darkness lunges trying to trip.

Striving to inflict pain

And exults from victory.

 

Smaragdine expanses keep them at bay.

Even then whispers thunder

Deafening the fragile ears.

 

Wind shatters from sheer thrust

Rain pounds down to wash,

but fails.

Stains so black,

So melanoid refuses to fade.

 

Thick obsidian glass blocks view.

Barricades passages

Beware

You trend upon an obscure path.

 

Years of barren conquests

Futile conquests

But finally, the answer came to light

“Everyone has it, but no one can lose it”

 

Oppressed

Trapped within lead

Chained in potassium

Fragile but explosive

Alluring but corrosive.

 

The most sinful thing of all is

She loves the darkness that fills her

She lives on chaos

On destruction

For pain & sorrow.

 

However,

There was purity

Clear as crystal

Her love could breathe life

Her care could heal wounded & broken

Her will could cleanse

Her passion could raise lost souls

 

Concoction of all these gave birth to

A girl

A girl with a crown of roses and thorns upon her head.

With mellow brown eyes

Those that would fade to a shade of platinum

Or darken to jet black veined with red

 

She is the entity living within

Breathing the same air

Blood flowing through the same veins

 

“Everyone has it, but no one can lose it.”

A Shadow

*sigh*

That girl, the entity?

That girl is me.

~Qurratul

Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all just a sick lie.
Everything around me is an illusion.
People around me are holograms.

I wonder if I will wake up someday with a start and realize none of it was true.

All these people I’m meeting and getting acquainted with.
All these events I’m participating in.
All these activities that I’m doing.
All these smiles and laughter.
All this love and heartache.

All these memories.

What if it was all just a sick game.
A bittersweet lie.
Some virtual reality stimulation.

Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, otherwise commonly known as Broken Heart Syndrome.
That would be the first thing I’d be diagnosed with.
And that too in a severe form.

Who knows.
Maybe, just maybe, these things won’t be snatched away brutally from me.
It won’t be ripped apart from my heart.
It won’t be extirpated from my mind.

But then I have no control over what this world, this life, more precisely holds for me.

All I can do is go along with the flow like the streams flow through rivers then finally out to the ocean.

Going against the grain is worthwhile, yes, definitely.
That would explain the wounds and burns I bear on my mortal body.
~Qurratul

Need

I still need you.
Is that bad?
Everyone seem to think so…
The walls around my heart have crumbled once again.
Pain has come rushing back.
We are all over the goddamn place.
Never stopping too long at one.
Do you still “love” me?
I never thought that would matter so much to me.
But I guess it does.
I write my feelings and thoughts.
I don’t speak them.
But one question.
Do you feel the same for me?

Let your nightmares begin

Swaying slightly with the wind. They patiently waited. All set and ready posed for a family portrait.

Feets aligned as if stood on solid ground. But Alas! What’s this? Aligned, yes. But on empty air! Above a colossal staircase.

Image engraved deep into own’s mind. To never be erased for eternity.

They were hanging.
Wait, hanging? Yes, they were indeed hanging. Hanging from thick ropes. Swaying? Looks like it. Tattered & bloodied rags. So old, but yet so young.

But how?

Seems blurry. And just like that, like a camera lens being focused. Suddenly all seemed crystal clear. Further details were now exposed in plain sight.

There was one thing common.
A characteristic pattern.

Torture.

Standing underneath them. So might as well start on describing their appearance bottom upwards.

Nails missing. Ripped off the flesh. Streaks of burned marks on tender skin. Lower side of the feet looked like a purplish mesh. Upon closer inspection tiny holes were visible.

Red hot needles. Jabbed.

Black bruises here and there on thighs. Claw marks adorned the calves and arse.

Whip marks filled the back. No single inch left untouched. Shoulder blades protruding outwards.

Messy knife wounds. Intestines hanging out. Gaping holes where the hearts once were. Except for one. A pure blue heart in place.Throbbing?

Back to description.

Scratches and cuts all over the arms. Dents in shoulders. Throats slit. Windpipe crushed and pulled out.

Splintered Bones.

Lips busted. Nose bent to an awkward angle. Eyeballs clawed out. Brain matter smeared on the forehead. Skull cracked.

A wail. A howl rose within. A voice heard before. A howl from the very belly of the being. A howl that jerked the bodies and shook the stale air of the mansion.

That came straight from you.
Yes, you!

Trespasser.
Consequences must be paid.
Hope you have a good night.

You

Did you know that you made me feel like the Queen?

There’s something about you. That makes me wonder. Actually no, not one but quite a few things about you.

I’m handing my battered heart to your hands. You now have full control of it.

Just one request. Please be gentle. Don’t break it. I don’t think I can glue it back again.

But I’m willing to take this risk. Why? You ask. You make me feel like myself.

When with you, I’m light as a feather. Smooth as the wind. Free as a bird.

You know, your hugs are like drugs. I can never get enough. Just being in your arms. Makes me feel safe.

The warmth of your embrace? I crave.
To hear your voice? Gives me butterflies.
Your kisses? I’m addicted and can’t withdraw.

You. Yes, you are my definition of pure ecstasy.

I Love You.

Don’t Let Them Know

Self-resolve broken.

Fight in self, gone.

Eyes dull & lifeless.

Smile strained & fake.

 

Take a deep breath.

Make sure it’s not shaky.

It should be strong.

 

Put a poker face on.

Let no emotions show.

Never let your guard.

Build sky high walls around

your heart.

 

Don’t cry.

No tears allowed.

Hold them in.

No matter how hard.

 

Pain in the chest,

Unbearable.

Body convulses,

Violently.

 

It hurts.

 

Willpower ,

To maximum point.

Turmoil,

Inside of mind.

Battle,

With own body.

 

Crimson red.

Metallic taste.

Running rivers.

 

Burning fire.

Glass shattered.

Loud explosions.

Utter destruction.

 

Stop!

 

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Relax for the sake of show.

Meant to be hidden.

Don’t let them know.

 

 

 

 

 

Just Remember

He stood outside.
Nervous.
Tugs at his bow tie.
Straightens out his shirt.

Inhales.
“This is it”
He whispers.
Exhales.

Checking his attire once more.
He takes a step towards the door.
A gush of wind pushes him back.
Sweet melodies fill the air.
His love’s voice beckoned to him.

But what’s this?
Her voice lead him away from the front door!
He paid no heed at all.
Blindly, he followed.

Don’t look, honey.
Not now anyways.
When I tell you to
Only then you may.

Hey, hey! *protests*
No peeking!
That’s cheating! Not fair!
Please wait a bit more, baby?

It’s almost done.
But not just yet.
Don’t look, sweetie.
Be patient for me, okay?

Okay it’s done.
Turn around.
Slowly.
“Nuh uh.” I said” “Slowly.”

Her wish was his command.
So he obeyed.

A white dress.
Floor length
Flowing outwards
Floral designs

Unique, beautiful ….. Angelic!

Red roses here and there.
Their favourite.

Perfectly manicured nails
Rosy red lips
Mysterious smoky eyes
The delicate cut of her face.

Everything was perfect.

Everyone else stood watching
The groom stare awestruck
At his going to be wife.

Silent tears streamed down
Their faces.
Hearts broke at the sight.

He still had not realized
His one and only love hung
Before him….. murdered brutally.

Her voice drifted back.
“You always wanted to see me in this dress.
I’m sorry; I couldn’t be there to hold your hand,
hug you and kiss you when we would have been
announced Husband and Wife.”

He broke from his trance.

He stood in stunned, once truth was revealed.
All the others could do was hold the broken soul
Tight in their embraces.

Her sweet voice filled the room for all to hear.
“Just remember that I loved you once. I still love you.
I will forever keep on loving you.”

There goes a saying…. The soul gets one last wish….
One last time to meet with their loved ones before
It lives the world for good….

Word Swords

Doors locked, lights off.

Not wanting to draw attention,

But yearns for some comfort.

Curled up in the corner.

Stares up ahead into space.

No emotions…. Blank……

Snaps out of trance.

Looks around frantically.

Rapid emotion changes.

Settles on lost… pain… defeat.

Tears spill,

Silent, no noise.

Chest heaves,

Irregularly.

Laughs,

Hysterically.

Cries,

Wordlessly.

Grasps, Sobs,

Bites lips.

Anger bubbles,

Furiously rubs away tears.

Brings up hand,

A blade.

Routine will commence once again,

Severe addiction.

Temporary relief,

More required.

Barriers set up,

Too high,

Unbreakable.

One…….. Worthless….

Two…….. Useless….

Three…… Stupid….

Five…….. Bad student….. sister….

Ten ………Worst best friend…… burden….

Twenty…..B*tch….

Thirty…….Should have never been born…. Not their daughter….

Forty…….. Should hang myself…… better to die….

Fifty………. Maybe everyone will be better off without me….

The word swords have hit their mark,

Point on.

Tiles stained crimson red,

Tears long gone.

Eyes void of any emotions.

*Sighs*

Mumbles to self “turn emotions off….. turn the tap off…”

Envisions turning off a tap of water.

Musters strength to get through another day…..

What lies beneath

What lies beneath,

Stays hidden from the world around.

Remains unseen from the naked eye.

Walls are built thick and sky-high.

None can penetrate through.

Darkness is both a friend and enemy.

During the harsh times,

It serves as a sanctuary.

But again, it can be a world

Of nightmares.

Eyes swollen and bloodshot from crying.

Nose red from sniffing.

Cheeks pale with no colour visible.

Lips quivered trying to remain in control .

Hands clenched into fists.

Nails dug into palms.

Blood was drawn but,

No heed was paid.

To the naked eye, all

Seems flawless.

But then what really is the definition of flawless…..

I’m Fine….

Pitch black darkness,

Nothing there to be seen.

But, are you sure?

Take a closer look.

There in the corner,

Curled up into a tight ball,

Laid a girl….

But that’s not it,

Go towards her.

Body shudders from silent sobs,

Chest heaves unevenly,

Breathing appears constipated,

She grasps desperately for air.

Is she alright?

Hair clings to face,

Eyes swollen,

Tears fall,

Nose red,

Lips quiver,

Mouth mimes an unspoken plea.

Step nearer to her.

Eyes become cold & empty,

Blank expression dawns upon face,

Lips draw into a straight line

Takes a deep breath.

The only answer she gives is,

“I’m fine……”