I’ll stop. Stop trying to find some glorified, theatrical way to talk about your significance in my life. Because you know nothing even comes close. There are so many things I could say, but none of that would come close to saying what you mean to me.
I’ll stop. Stop trying to fight you back with all I’ve got. Stop trying to resist you. Because when a storm comes, you must embrace it, and let it wreck you from within. But it’s hard. Hard to justify the things you do. Hard to figure out the way you flow.
It is starting to feel real. It is starting to feel like all those movies I’ve watched. But then sometimes I feel like I’m asking for the pain, like I want to bleed. It’s weird how our perception of reality is different from what reality actually is. How sometimes it feels like “it shouldn’t feel like this”. Maybe it’s just me and I’ve turned to a stone. Maybe I’ve always been.
It is starting to feel like my soul’s dying. It’s crying for help inside, and it knows all too well what’s happening. My hopes shatter into pieces before I even realize I had them. Some days it feels meaningless. Some days the storm gets me drenched. And it rains and it rains and the sky is this shade of grey that stirs my heart.
Then I realize I am in love with being drenched. I am in love with the grey gloom. That there is a certain pleasure in the pain that we all dread. Maybe I’m unconsciously getting addicted to it. That’s when the guilt hits, when you realize you actually want everything you’re trying so hard to fight against. Then again, what do I know about pain?
I try to grasp you within the palms of my hands. But you so effortlessly slip away. I try to catch you before you come, but you so beautifully deceive me. I try to figure out how to spend each minute, but you just destroy the whole meaning of even having a plan. Sometimes I give up and stand in my path, awing at the beauty of your existence. Sometimes I catch up and wonder why I’m still not happy when I achieve you.
What are we all trying to do? What are we running from? More importantly what are we running towards? I try to comprehend every fiber of your being, but fail because sometimes you don’t even exist. I realize I can’t ever hold the water that spills from my glass and I’ve stopped trying.
But I refuse to let you lead the way; refuse to let go of having any sense of control, refuse to admit at the end we’re all at your mercy. I try to give you meaning, I try to give you purpose, to try and usher you to some barely visible path. But I’m feeling like everything is against me at this point. I try to give you dreams, to give you something to look forward to. Something to run for. But I’m at a standstill trying to figure out why everyone else is running. Without a purpose, it all slowly loses meaning.
I try to let other people in. I try to feel like a part of the mob; to try and understand your perception of people. As I sip the last drop of coffee she says to me “Well my mom always told me that life has the funniest ways of showing you what you should really be doing. It wouldn’t mean that you’ve failed or given up it would just simply mean it took you a wrong turn to find the right one. I guess you can always choose not to be miserable I personally think that yeah maybe that day will come when you wake up scared and not liking what you’re doing but that’ll probably be the start of something new if you let it.”
They all say it’ll work out. They all say I shouldn’t fight you. And even I know that you will flow and carve the path for me, without me even moving an inch. But the path being there doesn’t really mean anything if I don’t take it. I want to run for something at least once. Even if I fail and tumble down and hit my face, at least I’d have tried.
I have realized everyone has a different justification; everyone gets into the ring with different preparations. I think everybody gets these questions, but not everyone chooses to answer them. All these stories come together and weave a beautiful creation. Something only God and you can sit back to experience.
“I think my dream actually lies with people and the world and doing things.
But I believe I am not ahead of my time and kids of my age these days don’t know much about dreams.
I remain dissolved in “nows” with wild and broad consuming thoughts of “future and forever”.
I try and weave into my soul these little words that flow in the air. Even if the path I’m walking is for me to walk alone, I have brilliant paths beside my own. The things around me shape how I want to be. I think I’m getting there. Or maybe not. But that’s just a matter of perception in the end.
“Wait patiently till you grow up. You are gonna get opportunities on a daily basis. You need to filter them out and no matter how annoyed or pissed or whatever you feel personally at that moment, find a way to power through it and do something. Doing makes the differences. Doing. And trust me for those who want it, God gives them enough chances. More than enough.
I think wanting to do something and getting to do it is in itself a rare privilege that a very few people get. Keeping your expectations even from yourself like an open canvas can sometimes give you a more beautiful picture than any other that exists for you.
Or maybe not. And there comes the matter of your acceptance”
I guess I have to accept you own me, and not the other way around. But you’re amazing all on your own and I’m gonna try my best to make a wreck of which I am happy of. I haven’t reached the answers yet. I haven’t started building my shelter from the storm. But I’ve decided I’m not going to. I have to face you alone and bare and I shall make an experience out of it. I’m not gonna keep running aimlessly, rather slow down and let everything in. Not everyone is meant for a well defined purpose, I’ll shape it into something much bigger than that. I have realized I am never gonna be content with my answers, because the day that happens I’ll stop running. And I’m not ready for that just yet.
It’s about giving back what you have given me. In my own small ways and helping the other souls running about like me. Give a little part of the storm to each one on my way and maybe even let someone else’s storm hit me in the face.
It’s not about the bigger picture. Rather the little rocks and hurdles I’ll pass and the small flowers I’ll plant in my path. To make someone else feel a little joy. To change things for the better, no matter how small they may be. It’s not about success or happiness. It is about the endless questions we try to answer. It’s about how we all let you flow within ourselves.
I will slow down and let you intertwine with each strand of my soul.
I will stop trying to define you and give you constraints. Instead I will try to be at the center of the storm and let my hair loose because you are the most amazing thing man has ever known.
I will keep running, towards meaning, towards something greater than a dream, towards you.