Drowning

I stood there, motionless, on the edge of the bridge. The gentle wind kept blowing in my hair but I didn’t put my hands up to fix it. A thought rushed to my head shouldn’t I be leaving a note or something? But then again who cared anyway? No one liked my presence anyway, how in God’s name would anything change in my absence? I’m a parasite to everyone’s world. Coming to think of it, I was making them a favour actually. I wouldn’t be a disgrace to my mom anymore. She wouldn’t have to constantly keep reminding me of how useless I am or how I am not like, what’s that phrase parents use? Oh yeah, like “most children.” This is the best thing I can do for everyone around me. My friends, people who I know since I was kindergarten. They wouldn’t have to bear the problem that went by the name “Scott Stanley” anymore. They wouldn’t probably notice the first few days and I don’t blame them. They didn’t seem to notice much when I got sick. My best friend is definitely gonna find a new and better best friend as soon as she permanently gets rid off the deadest weight of her life. I don’t blame her either. Its pretty dead between us for the past one year. It’s just, I don’t know what happened. I didn’t bother to ask her either. I guess we grew up or something. Everything changed so fast and I couldn’t keep up. I’m already pretty dead to everyone’s life. Why would it matter if it had really happened? My biology teacher, Mr. Salman once told us, “before eating something unhealthy, we often say ‘who cares let’s just eat’ ” and he told us to delete the “who cares” part because someone always cares. Maybe that doesn’t apply to everyone. When it ends, people will ask, “Why? He had everything. Genius at school, good at football, had friends, but why’d he let go of all that?” Love. It’s all love. The strongest human emotion. Everything becomes nothing when you have no one in the world understands you. No one who really cares about you. Genius, football, friends become meaningless without compassion. That was the last thought I had on that bridge. They say when you’re drowning, you don’t open your mouth, it’s an involuntary action. Even though you feel like your head is about to explode, the instinct to not let water in is so strong that it provides a little time until you actually drown. That was the same case for me. I saw a bright white  light at surface, glaring at me, as if, it was welcoming me.

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