I Am Wide Awake

I realized I am not the only person who wakes up during ungodly hours only to reflect on his/her life. I also realized that there are others who would wake up and try to fall asleep again and again just to go back dreaming the same dream they dreamt when they were asleep.
I understand how it feels when your life is not okay. When it is not satisfactory , remarkable or fulfilling enough. When it seems worthless but you cannot do anything about it. When you’re as good as a zombie and feeding on resource but doing nothing to pay it back or do anything for its renewal.
I know how it is like. Not being able to fall asleep. Thinking about the same thing over and over again as you shift uncomfortably on your bed. Reflecting on your days and how it could have been better. How you could have done better.
I know how it is like. Waking up late. No one waiting for you to show up.   Knowing that it is going to be one of those days, like everyday. Days that promise nothing exciting in the end.
I have no idea how it feels like to be expected. To have expectations. To fulfill. To be fulfilled.
I do not know how it feels; the touch of warmth.
I have no idea how it is like to be flawless. To not make a mistake. I have no idea at all…
Even though I am wide awake, I feel, that I am dreaming one of my worst nightmares again. The place where nothing happens. Nothing at all… No monster chases me, no ghost to scare me, no assassin to stab me, no one to push me off the cliff, nothing to entrap me, nothing scaring me. It’s just pure darkness and total vacancy in there.

A place where nothing awaits me and I await nothing.

People like us, we need to find each other. For we are the only ones we have. Among the darkness we wander, hardly coming across each others path. But surprisingly enough, we are in the same room. We just need to try, instead of lying in the corner where we are left. We need to seek each other out. Follow the traces of warmth. Embrace its source. Call out to each other. Whatever unites us. To survive in this lonely world, everyone needs company, eventually. Old or young. Everyone needs support. To have someone waiting for you. Someone expecting you. Either it is disappointment or approval, there needs to be something.

Our pages must not be left blank.

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3 thoughts on “I Am Wide Awake

  1. Goodness! This is such a great piece and it was something I really needed right now (sick with fever AGAIN). There are so many places and so many lines that you added so much depth to through your writing that…I mean seriously, wow! This is one of your best writings till date. Firstly, the idea seems so abstract in a way that it somehow proclaims how we all are one and the same in so many aspects and that it is a part of human nature. It is marvellously presented with insightful statements. I felt as if the author is talking to himself (like most times we all do) and as if it is taking place in the middle of the night. Then again I felt as if there was a connection when you wrote ” wakes up during ungodly hours only to reflect on his/her life”. This made me smile, you know why? I felt it was ironical in a way to your writing. I felt as if the author states this sentence as he himself proceeds to “reflect” on his life and this idea crawls in his mind and he writes as he thinks and explains. Then again it sounds like “a cry for help” and reaching out from the dark into the light. Not to mention winter and rainy season are causes of seasonal depression and so, when you write this piece during the beginning of winter..it stirs up links and environment that people can relate to. Whenever I read someone’s writing, I try to keep my head blank and let the words flow into my mind and tell me what to experience and THIS had me go back to those nights when I just roll in bed with drowsiness in mind and sleeplessness in eyes. One of the most interesting ones I read is this paragraph… “I understand how it feels when your life is not okay. When it is not satisfactory , remarkable or fulfilling enough….Days that promise nothing exciting in the end. ” It is remarkable how empathetic it can be when you say you “understand” and that compels a part of me to think as if it is not only addressing a phase but a mere projection of self in psychological aspect (I can be super wrong about it but that’s what my instincts say). Now one of the most interesting self-contradictions I have noticed include this two “I have no idea how it feels like to be expected. To have expectations. To fulfill. To be fulfilled.” and “Either it is disappointment or approval, there needs to be something…..Our pages must not be left blank.” Okay, this is so fascinating because it not only shows that in the first the author feels hopeless and aimless and in the second it shows hope and action towards making it a better situation…but also an incredible mental growth and one step towards maturity. Incredible,huh?! That last line just stole my heart. That was the winning line in this whole post. It is quite assertive and imperative for me and I love how it ends with a bold tone,sorted attitude and a responsible attempt towards change. This is how I perceived and I absolutely loved it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I forgot to add how much this line touched me “The place where nothing happens. Nothing at all… No monster chases me, no ghost to scare me, no assassin to stab me, no one to push me off the cliff, nothing to entrap me, nothing scaring me. Its just pure darkness and total vacancy in there.” THIS is just genius. It is so pure and innocent in a way as if a child with a blessed heart says it. It appealed to me so much more maybe because it was so very unexpected. I mean…it demonstrates so much emptiness that it even lacks “monsters” which could be a metaphor or allusion for “hard times or wrong people in life”. It makes me sad in a way that this talks about so much emptiness that it doesn’t have the bad times…then it is even out of the equation to consider any good times. I know sometimes I don’t make any sense but that’s how I felt and thought to mention it. LOVED IT.

    Liked by 1 person

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